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Dear Bravo, There is No Excuse for You

March 12, 2010
by

Hey Bravo,

Your name reflects the content you aired when, as a nascent channel, you covered arts and indie films. In 1994, you began airing Inside the Actors Studio. The oh-so-precious James Lipton has been deservedly lampooned for how fucking seriously he takes himself and his guests’ respective oeuvres. Bon Jovi and Billy Joel. Really? Those guys have as much to say about acting as they have to say about good music. So Studio was a step down, but you had way further to fall.

In 2003, you rolled out a show called Stereotypical Gay Men Dress Straight Men Like Stereotypical Gay Men or something like that. Pretty big departure from anything deserving of a “bravo”, Bravo. C’est la vie. But that was just the edge of the cliff.

Bravo, you have plunged off the edge of a very high cliff, and you will continue to fall until your bloated carcass explodes on the ground below, only to be eaten by weasels and shit out into the mouths of naked mole rats. And that, Bravo, is far more dignified a demise than you deserve. You have unleashed upon the world the disgraceful Real Housewives franchise.

I assume that my readership is unfamiliar with Real Housewives, so here is a brief explanation: the reality show race to the bottom has a clear leader in a show that documents the social lives of some well-to-do moron cunts. They are grown up Paris Hiltons, only without the talent, grace, or charm. Viewers’ time would be better spent watching baby pandas being sodomized with hot kitchen knives.

Bravo, for glamorizing these pieces of human trash, you have completed your transformation from a network of decent programming to a never-ending nightmare. I realize that the people involved in the making of this show are probably just in it for the paycheck, but for Christ’s fucking sake – stand up and say “no”. Grow a fucking spine or brain or conscience and refuse to bring this festering shit into the world.

I hope that everyone who has ever had anything to do with The Real Housewives contracts, greatly suffers from, and painfully dies of both wasting diseases and hemorrhagic fevers.  I truly hate you all.

Very, very sincerely,

Barry

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Maglumpus permalink
    March 12, 2010 8:17 pm

    I happen to LIKE watching the real housewives. After a long day dealing with 18 kids, it’s an escape into a fantasy world, albeit a fucked up one. I will continue to watch it despite your hatred of it and all it encompasses.

    And I love you.

  2. Jonathan permalink
    March 13, 2010 2:42 pm

    Bravo, Barry, bravo.

    But one point you got wrong. Although there are a lot of clock punchers working in reality TV, and a lot of frustrated filmmakers, there are also many people who I would call media-types, who simply love media. These people are tough to describe. I guess you could say that they are fascinated by images on television, or perhaps enthralled by the hectic and fast passed process of creating images for television. And these types tend to really like the type of shows on Bravo.

  3. Dan permalink
    March 13, 2010 9:41 pm

    You could have left Billy Joel out of this.

    • Barry permalink*
      March 13, 2010 10:03 pm

      Not if I wanted to be honest with myself and my readers.

  4. David permalink
    March 15, 2010 8:59 am

    Dude, Top Chef. What about Padma?

    • Barry permalink*
      March 15, 2010 9:04 am

      Padma is gorgeous. Top Chef is stupid. First of all, it’s a game show. A bunch of people have to follow rules in a competition. That’s a game, not a reality. Second of all, fuck that noise. A TV show about food is like a painting about sound.

    • Barry permalink*
      March 15, 2010 9:08 am

      More importantly, you’re missing my point. It’s not that every show is the worst thing in the world. It’s that the other shows have signaled a decline that ends in the dog shittingly horrid Real Housewives franchise.

      I’m not saying that jihad is ok, but Real Housewives makes it a little more understandable.

      On Mon, Mar 15, 2010 at 10:04 AM, Barry wrote: > Padma is gorgeous. Top Chef is stupid. First of all, it’s a game > show. A bunch of people have to follow rules in a competition. > That’s a game, not a reality. Second of all, fuck that noise. A TV > show about food is like a painting about sound. >

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