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A Desperate Plea to the Best Military Minds of My Generation

February 11, 2010
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I learned something terrible today.  According to Wikipedia, naked mole rats are also known as sand puppies.  That any human being would compare these most wretched of all living creatures to puppies is the final injustice; I can no longer countenance the existence of the naked mole rat. 

They are bucktoothed, eyeless, foreskins clambering over one another and forming fleshy clots in their squalid underground lairs.  They must cease to exist.  My proposal is this: I would like the United States military, the greatest human force in the world’s history, to devote careful study to the vulnerabilities of this wrinkly scourge.  Identify their unique weaknesses, and create a weapon to exploit those weaknesses.  We need a bomb that will push naked mole rats into extinction while preserving the jewels of our planet’s biodiversity.

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