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Alan Keyes is Good at Two Things: Bloviating and Losing Elections

January 11, 2010

Perhaps the best thing that can be said about Alan Keyes is that he earned both an undergraduate degree and a PhD from Harvard.  Those are wonderful accomplishments.  His pompous rhetoric displays an extensive vocabulary.  He has also proved himself to be an all-time great at losing elections. 

Now I am done saying nice things about him.

Since holding a few appointed positions under President Reagan, Alan Keyes has been an utter political failure.  He ran for a Maryland seat in the US Senate in 1988 and 1992.  Both times, he went down in flames, receiving 38% and 29% of the vote, respectively.

With the exception of 2004, he’s thrown his hat into the ring for every presidential election cycle since 1992.  His best results in the 2000 primaries came when he garnered a whopping 14% of the Iowa vote and 20% of the Utah vote.  In 2008, he took .6% of the Texas vote.  His 2.7% showing in North Carolina garnered him 2 delegates at the Republican National Convention.  I cannot stress this enough: Alan Keyes is a political failure.

When Hillary Clinton campaigned to be a US Senator from New York, Keyes was a member of the chorus of critics that accused her of carpetbagging.  Since she had no previous experience with New York politics, he accused her of making an opportunistic grab at a Senate seat without regard for the state from which she was running. 

In 2004, a sex scandal torpedoed Jack Ryan’s campaign for a U.S. Senate seat from Illinois 86 days before the election.  Keyes entered the race after other conservatives, most notably Mike Ditka, opted not to get involved. 

Alan Keyes never lived in Illinois.   He justified his blatant hypocrisy with some handwaving nonsense about running for office out of respect for God’s will.  Apparently, God’s will for Keyes to intrude into Illinois politics is entirely different from Clinton’s New York intrusion. The peoples’ will was different too. Hillary won.

Keyes wound up with 27% of the vote.  Not bad for a campaign run on such short notice, though I would expect a better showing from a God’s own candidate.  Speaking of which, Keyes also asserted that Jesus Christ wouldn’t vote for Obama.  Perhaps God is as impotent a loser as Keyes himself, but it’s more likely that the candidate draws his asinine claims from a well of arrogant nonsense. No need to bring deities into this.

Recently, Glenn Beck condemned the Birther movement.  Despite his own cognitive and emotional disabilities, Beck – like most people – is satisfied that Barack Obama has shown himself to be a natural born citizen, one of the six Constitutional requirments for the Presidency*.

Maybe it’s sour grapes over being crushed by Obama that makes Keyes so vinegary, but this guy won’t shut up. No matter that Obama produced a Hawaiian certificate of live birth. Or that Hawaii’s two biggest newspapers ran contemporaneous birth announcements. No evidence has validated claims of Obama’s foreign birth, but Keyes won’t let evidence get in the way of a good tantrum.  Earlier, I mentioned Keyes’ pompous rhetorical style; I think this sentence can be restated in fewer words without losing any meaning.  Give it a shot:

Because of this inadequate understanding of the crisis, he [Beck] apparently fails to appreciate the real issue raised by the controversy over Barack Obama’s constitutional eligibility for the presidency.

Here’s my attempt: Beck does not understand that ignoring eligibility requirements allows for arbitrary rejection of any Constitutional provision. I win.
When Glenn Beck is the voice of reason on an issue concerning Barack Obama, you just know that a disaster of biblical proportions can’t be too far off:

Mayor: What do you mean, “biblical”?
Dr. Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr. Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!


*The six requirements for eligibility are:
1. Being at least 35 years old.
2. Being a natural born citizen of the US.
3. Being a permanent resident for at least 14 years.
4. Having served fewer than 2 terms as President.
5 and 6 are weird: If one has been convicted of a crime, the Senate can vote to bar that person from assuming the presidency.  Also, if one has sworn an oath to the Constitution, then rebelled against the country, one can only regain the ability to become president if approved by 2/3 of each house of Congress.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. David permalink
    January 11, 2010 2:23 pm

    That is a very fine Ghostbusters quote. Fine and dandy. Otherwise, it must be a slow day in your blogosphere if you’re sort of defending Glenn Beck.

  2. The Glenn Beck Review permalink
    June 1, 2010 4:58 pm

    Beck is not just a liar and a hypocrite. I caught him with his pants down. See The Glenn Beck Review for details.

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