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Dr. StrangePutin or: How I Learned to Resume Worrying About the Bomb While Secretly Hoping They Use It

December 29, 2009

It might be time to bring back Burt the TurtleVlad and Dmitry are talking about new nukes.  The Soviets Russians object to the United States building a missile shield system; they understandably fear that the balance of nuclear arms will be upset if their arsenal is rendered useless by US missile defenses.

I guess complete elimination of all nuclear weapons is out of the question, so the only way the Soviet Union Russia can restore the balance of power is by building more nukes.  Lovely.

What is the problem? The problem is that our American partners are building an anti-missile shield and we are not building one…By building such an umbrella over themselves, our [US] partners could feel themselves fully secure and will do whatever they want, which upsets the balance…to preserve the balance, we must develop offensive weapons systems.


In other doomsday device news, I recently made the mistake of watching Conspiracy Theory With Jesse Ventura.  In the episode I saw, Ventura ran around Alaska with his team of “researchers” to expose the mysterious HAARP device and its nefarious potential.

HAARP is a facility that experiments with shooting energy into the ionosphere.  Apparently, it allows for effective communication with nuclear submarines, but Ventura claims that it can control both the weather and human minds.  He doesn’t explain exactly how one device can do both, but he does have guests who play with a tube full of water vapor and CD players, which seem to be evidence enough to convince him that HAARP caused Hurricane Katrina and the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami.

Assuming the HAARP facility is what Ventura says it is, wouldn’t Russian intelligence have access to more and  better information than the guy from Predator?  Why would Russia cite the US’s nascent missile defense program as justification for building new offensive nuclear  missiles when they know that the US is sitting on a doomsday device that has already killed hundreds of thousands of people?

Maybe we’re too stupid to live.

11 Comments leave one →
    • Barry permalink*
      December 29, 2009 10:23 pm

      What the fuck is that shit? Those guys can’t govern shit. On the plus side, another actor in the new film has my favorite biblical name: Mahershalalhashbaz Ali seems to be named after Maher Shalal Hash Baz, one of Isaiah’s sons.

  1. Jonathan permalink
    December 29, 2009 10:28 pm

    I know. How do such scrawny weaklings thing they can run an entire state?

    • Barry permalink*
      December 29, 2009 10:31 pm

      Rodriguez is a lot of things, but I don’t think he has the keen eye for future politicians that John McTiernan displayed in 1987.

  2. Jonathan permalink
    December 29, 2009 11:00 pm

    The director’s first name is Nimrod. Enough said.

    I always felt bad for McTiernan. His career started out so well with Predator, Die Hard, and The Hunt for Red October, all classics. But then he directed two of the biggest flops in history, Last Action Hero and Rollerball.

    He has two projects in development, but neither has been cast yet even. Let’s hope that if he gets the chance to make one or the other he looks over a list of largest Hollywood political donors when he casts the thing.

    • Barry permalink*
      December 29, 2009 11:04 pm

      Can we bring the movie discussion full circle and acknowledge how photogenic Medvedev and Putin are? They seriously look like co-villains from a Bond movie. It’s uncanny.

      Also, the Burt the Turtle “Duck & Cover” movie is almost as terrifying, but not nearly as funny, as Dr. Strangelove.

  3. Jonathan permalink
    December 29, 2009 11:07 pm

    Wow. You’re right. Is the picture from an American source or a Russian one? Because the Russians tend to portray Putin like this:

    • Barry permalink*
      December 29, 2009 11:09 pm

      I got it from a blog, but who knows where it originally came from. Here are the Google Images results for a search of: Putin Medvedev.

  4. jen permalink
    December 30, 2009 3:04 pm

    maybe jesse got confused by the movie Ice Twisters, it’s pretty realistic.

    • Barry permalink*
      December 30, 2009 3:22 pm

      I don’t know that movie. Is it about HAARP?

  5. October 26, 2010 5:56 am

    CD Players are nice but today we have DVD players and Blu-ray players that are even nicer *”*

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