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The Stupidity of the Lambs

December 16, 2009
by

Christians speak of their reverends as “pastors” and congregations as “flocks” or “sheep”.  Seems about right to me, considering the propensity reverends seem to show for fleecing the masses.  Yesterday, Oral Roberts died.  He once claimed to have encountered a 900-foot Jesus, and famously announced in January of 1987 that unless he raised $8 million by March, God would kill his ass.  The university named after him was the subject of scandal when it was found that his son was making illegal political contributions and using the O.R.U. jet to fly his daughter to the Bahamas.

Roberts is old news, though.  The latest example of outright begging for millions of dollars came yesterday from the Reverend Rod Parsley.  This year, Parsley’s ministry gave $3.1 million to the family of a 2-year old boy who was beaten at his preschool.  Now, his website implores the faithful to “help take back what the devil stole“.  In other words, Parsley wants $3 million by the end of the year.  The jury’s still out on whether God will kill Parsley’s ass, but we can always hope. All of which brings me to my main point: send me money, or a 901 foot Jesus will throw you in a well and say, “it rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again” and “it puts the lotion in the basket.” You don’t want that, I don’t want that, and 901 foot Jesus doesn’t want that, so just cough up 14 million by next Tuesday.

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