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Here Comes Milton, He’s a Berserker

December 4, 2009
by

It’s been a while since I have written a spambaiting email. This one came as a response to a cute little house for rent on DC’s Craig’s List. The person who placed the ad is “out of the country” on “missionary work”. Given that the text (other than the address of the cute little house) is an identical match to a Craig’s List ad my friend responded to when he moved to Texas, I have no qualms about a little double-barreled Horngulling.

From: sandwichface62<at>gmail.com

My dear crusader,

It brings me great pleasure to hear that you are in London on a prayer crusade.  I would like to rent your wonderful home in Washington, DC; I am happy to know that I will be transacting with such a trustworthy Christian as yourself.

Just to let you know a little bit about me:  I am a bigshot doctor with many surviving patients.  My malpractice premiums are quite low, and I can furnish copies if you need proof.  While my training was in the juvenation of mangled islets of Langerhans and other pancreatic catastrophes, I have made a name for myself in two other ways.

First, I hold four patents for my contribution to the development of LASIK@HOME, the first ever do-it-yourself laser eye surgery equipment.  You can see this miraculous device here:  http://www.lasikathome.com/*

Second, I won 3 Utah Music Awards for my contralto saxophone playing on albums by Huey Lewis, Los Lobos, and Panic! At the Disco.  My other hobby is building models of turn of the century steam-kites.

Because I have been blessed enough to make a shitload of money on the eye laser thing, I would be willing to make a contribution to your Christian missionary work in London, as well as rent the house you have posted on Craig’s List.

Please get back to me with details NOW.

Your Pal,

Milton Søren Horngull

*Note: You should absolutely visit the LASIK@HOME site. It’s fucking hilarious. -B

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. JoJo permalink
    December 4, 2009 6:30 pm

    i’d love to have milton over for a dinner party. i’m sure he would make a wonderful guest.

  2. KG2 permalink
    December 4, 2009 7:49 pm

    Another priceless moment from Milton. Thank you.

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