When the Money Comes, I’ll Buy You All a Round
The setup is that I received an email saying I won £500,000.00 in a British lottery. All I had to do was email some guy to provide some ID information that came in the original spam. I think calling “ID” information might be taking it a little far. I think it’s best characterized as meaningless bullshit numbers with dashes.
Dear Dr. Steve Wilson,
I hope your specialty as a doctor is in proctology, because when Catherine John emailed to tell me that I won £500,000.00 in the British lottery, I literally shit myself.
As in, I am now wearing new underpants because my last pair is saturated with a rectal effluence that must have fallen between 5 and 6 on the Bristol Stool Scale.
Bristol…Bristol…Bristol, England…where was I?
OH YES! England! Lottery!
So I am supposed to talk with you about my half-billion-pound windfall.
It’s so cute that you England boys (Eng-lads, if you will! Pip pip che-er-i-o!!) refer to your money as “pounds”. Here in America, a pound is what fat people are made out of.
I may get fat eating all the Slim Jims I can finally probably afford once I get my 5 billion pounds.
Just out of curiosity, how does a pound compare to a real Dollar? Like if I go to England, and a candy bar costs one pound, that can’t be more than 15 or 20 cents, right?
What’s that called? Change rate, or something right? I bet all the other countries are sad that there is a change rate, because then they don’t get to use the real American money.
Well, keep your chin up, slugger. If you work real hard, maybe someday you can come visit America, spend our real money, and not have to constantly look over your shoulder for black knights, dragons, or henges.
Here is the information Catherine John wants me to send you:
My Name Is Milton Cranbury Horngull
I live in the United States
Winning Number: 11-13-26-34-44-48
Batch Number: 8056490902/188
Reference Number: UK/HW47509/009
I love you,