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L’Chaim! L’Ord of the Rings!

August 13, 2009
by

The people in the video below are flying around trying to cast spells of protection to save Israel from swine flu Mexican Flu H1N1. As you will see, they are blowing shofarim and uttering nonsense mystical incantations.

Take, take.  We weren't using them.Just what is a shofar, you ask? A shofar is a horn in every sense of the word. For a shofar to be kosher it must have originated on the head of a ram or a greater kudu. A hole is drilled from the tip of the horn to its hollow center, and there you have it – a holy, holy, holy instrument made from sheep head protruberances.

These days, most Jews only sound the shofar around the time of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year (which inexplicably does not fall on the first day of the first month of the Jewish calendar. I shit you not. It’s on the first of Tishrei, which would be like calling July 1 New Year’s Day. That would be cool, but then we’d stop calling July the seventh month. Whatever.) For Joshua, the biblical warlord, the blowing of the shofar got his Jews all fired up. Their yells and the horn’s sound combined to spell doom for the city of Jericho. Gnar kill!

image001-797952You may remember Boromir from Lord of the Rings. He had a fancy shofar of his own. It broke when he died. Sad, sad, sad. Except, of course, Boromir lived in Middle Earth. A fake time and place. He flitted around Middle Earth on foot or horse or whatever. The guys in the video are on an airplane. As Louis C.K. would say, they are sitting in chairs in the motherfucking sky. Traveling 600 miles an hour. Blowing horns made out of animal horns, Boromir-style, to ward off a disease that:

1. Isn’t even that dangerous; and,

2. Is treatable with a little something we like to call medicine.

I defy my readers to find one medical school, anywhere in the world, that teaches that flying around blowing on sheep horns is even on the table as an epidemic response.

I mean, shit, why did we need Jonas Salk to solve polio when we had Louis Armstrong?  Do you know how much money we would have saved?  And no autism!

Blah blah blah.  Jewish guy.  Vaccine.  If he really wanted to help, he would have blown shofar in newborns' ears.

Update: It occurs to me what a monumental waste of jet fuel this flight was. That fuel could have been used to fly a plane full of harmonicas to Darfur, a venture that would be more useful than Operation Blow a Horn at the Flu.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    August 13, 2009 9:32 am

    Best post yet. Keep up the good work.

  2. David permalink
    August 13, 2009 12:19 pm

    They should try using these spells.

    Leave the page open for a sec and the spells change. It’s magic!!

Trackbacks

  1. Shofar, Revisited « Is It Luck?

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