Some weird shit has gone on in the White House. Where else are Easter eggs rolled at all, let alone annually? It’s one of only ten or twenty thousand places where Willie Nelson has smoked pot. Every year on the venerable grounds of the White House, the President of the United States takes some time out of his busy schedule to pardon a fucking turkey. Not only does Arthur O’Bryan share with the turkeys the benefit of a president’s Constitutionally-authorized largesse, he may have shared much, much more with the fowl.
I say this because O’Bryan is the man pardoned by Abraham Lincoln in 1857 for the crime of attempted bestiality.
O’Bryan was allegedly drunk at the time he made his moves on the animal whose identity and species seem to have been lost to time. We know that he was a well-behaved prisoner, and that Lincoln described him as “otherwise reputable.” The rest is up in the air.
I wonder if O’Bryan wrote wistful letters to his erstwhile partner. Some of the questions that gain purchase in my racing mind:
– In order to be convicted of attempted bestiality, O’Bryan must have been caught in the act. Why would he attempt bestiality somewhere where he could have been caught in the act?
– What vestiges of his pre-conviction life did O’Bryan return to once pardoned?
– What kind of animal did he attempt to get all hot ‘n’ bestial with?
– Why did Abraham Lincoln, the greatest leader in this country’s history, care enough about this attempter of bestiality to
unlock his shackles? Is this the Great Emancipator run amok?
– Why did O’Bryan want to, uh, have sex with an animal?
Be Excellent to Each Other and Party On, Dudes,