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Wherein our noble blogger grants a Wikipedia-supplied, hyper-sincere Nintendo game backstory a new credence, puzzling over its finer points.

March 16, 2009

Thanks, Wikipedia! My thoughts in CAPS:

One of Samus’s recurring adversaries THERE ARE METAPHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS DESERVING OF MORE THAN THE GLOSS-OVER IN THE PRECEDING CLAUSE, Ridley, is a high-ranking Space Pirate PIRATES HAVE RANKS? I THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL EITHER CAP’N OR BOSUN. Ridley shares features with both the pterodactyl and the mythical European dragon. [1][6]WHICH FEATURES? I DON’T WANT NO FANCY FOOTNOTES, I WANT HOMOLOGY IN THE BODY TEXT. ALSO, WHY JUST EURO DRAGON? WHAT ABOUT CHINA OR MIDDLE EARTH? Ridley’s exact rank is unknown BOSUN OR CAP’N, I PRESUME, with some sources referring to him HIM??? as the general of the Space Pirates. ADMIRAL, PERHAPS – MORE LIKELY CAP’N OR BOSUN, BUT DEFINITELY NOT “GENERAL”[3 ]Ridley directly led the Space Pirate attack on Samus’s home colony of K-2L, which inevitably led to the deaths of all the colonists including Samus’s mother and father. THIS IS ALMOST GREEK IN ITS MYTHOLOGY. TROIDOCULES BY ANIMAXANDER[12][6] Samus has since had a personal vendetta against Ridley because of this, coupled with her objective to rid the galaxy of Space Pirates. SAMUSOCULES, WHATEVER[1][6] Over the course of her adventures WITH HER VAGINA BECAUSE SHE’S A GIIIIRL, Samus confronts several different incarnations SEE METAPHYSICS ABOVE of Ridley in the series, such as Meta Ridley METAMETAPHYSICS? from Metroid Prime and Metroid Prime 3, Omega Ridley from Metroid Prime 3 METROID PRIME 3 HAS ROOM FOR A METARIDLEY AND AN OMEGA RIDLEY, BUT METROID PRIME 2 CAN’T EVEN OFFER AN ALPHARIDLEY?, and also an X parasite clone in Metroid Fusion OH and a mechanized version in Zero Mission. OH[6][13] Ridley appears in the introduction and as a trophy in Super Smash Bros. Melee IF YOU’RE A PUSSO-TOURIST. InSuper Smash Bros. Brawl, both Ridley and Meta Ridley are boss characters AVAILABLE TO METAPUSSO TOURISTS in the Subspace Emissary WHEREVER THAT NONSENSE IS. SHEESH.

I don’t sleep very well,


P.S. – That was after passing over this:

The eponymous in-game Metroids are large jellyfish-like creatures with quadripartite nuclei. They are capable of siphoning an undetectable life energy from any animal, generally causing the death of the victim in the process.[1]

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